Archive for October, 2006

BluenoseShocking news out of the East Coast. It seems somebody is trying to open a strip joint in downtown Lunenburg. Well, that’s kind of overstating it. Lunenburg doesn’t really have a “downtown” per se. It’s more like a pub, a coffee shop and a few tourist shops where you can buy fake seagull shit.

Being an old-school, conservative outport community, the town has vowed to fight the development.
I’m just surprised that someone actually thinks it’s a good idea to open a peeler bar in downtown Lunenburg. Where’s the talent going to come from (have you seen South Shore girls!?) and who would go? If you’ve ever been to the picturesque little seaside town, you’ll know that Lunenburg is populated mostly by seniors and out-of-work fisherman. It’s no secret that a few packed tour busses can easily double and sometimes triple the local population. Lunenburg’s already known for the Bluenose. There’s no room for Blueboobs.

Then again, I’m a fan of tits. I’m curious to see how this one plays out.

Uncommon people

One of the weirdest and most beautiful covers I’ve seen. William Shatner singing Pulp’s ’90s classic, “Common People” with Joe Jackson and Ben Folds on Jay Leno. This is the Bermuda Triangle of pop culture — when I finished watching I found myself in a room backstage at the Moulin Rouge doing rails with Petula Clark and Stone Cold Steve Austin. You’ve been warned.

Torn up over Stronach-gate

meandbelinda.jpgHell hath no fury like a Maritime boy’s grudge. That’s what Belinda Stronach and the Liberal caucus learned yesterday when Nova Scotia MP Peter MacKay alledgedly, indirectly referred to his former g-friend as a “dog” in Parliament.

Now as a fellow East Coaster who’s lost many a love under dubious circumstances, I can sympathize with Peter. But geez, when you’re the Minister of Foreign Affairs and sitting in the House of Commons, you gotta bury those dirty New Glascow roots and take the high road.

Also, I’m totally in love with Belinda and pray for the day that I become Mr. Stronach. At least this new scandal will ensure that there’ll be a ton of new photos of her circulating the dailies. Woot!

Sheryl Crow bikini

Hey Sheryl,

I know you’re just trying to “soak up the sun” on stage in some stupid practical joke on John Mayer, but “all I wanna do” is wrap you in a sheet and put you in a time machine to 15 years ago when this might have looked hot. I know “everyday is a winding road” for you, but even the dizziest of morons knows that pranking a human joke like Mayer is like multiplying zero by zero.

Seriously, I think “a change would do you good.” My stomach isn’t “strong enough” to look at the rest of the “picture.” But, “if it makes you happy”…

Yours bent over a toilet,

Sex and the Ghetto

In “I did not know that” news, it turns out that Canadian Sexpert — and total MILF — Josey Vogels has been living in the Ghetto for years. She says the neighbourhood reminds her of her last home in Montreal. Funny, I’ve been to Montreal and I don’t recall any neighbourhoods that look like a set for Escape from New York.

In any case, it’s nice to know that there’s at least one minor-celeb in the hood that I have a chance to not make eye-contact with as I’m coming or going. Not that there was any lack of sex in the ghetto before Vogel arrived six years ago. If you were to count the rings on the hookers that maintain office space outside my house most nights, you’d realize that Parkdale has been adequately serviced for decades. Well…adequately by hobo standards.

A funny blast from the past in honour of Mats Sundin’s 500-goal achievement.

Alec Baldwin is a douchebag

iBooze, iLose

Enjoying a four-day bender does not come without a fair amount of risk. Beer and News learned the hard way this past Thanksgiving weekend that four nights of boozing is not only hard on the wallet, but also on the memory and ability to keep track of one’s possessions. Not only did we blow through half our Christmas budget – sorry family – but we lost our kinda-new iPod loaded with a summer’s worth of CD acquisitions and playlists.

Hard to say which is more valuable, the music or the machine. Both are replaceable I guess. It’s just as hard to determine when and where I lost it. Best I can recall, it happened on the Ossington bus Saturday, somewhere between Party Time A and Party Time B. I know I lost a few tall boys on the bus, so it’s conceivable that an iPod could have slipped out of my bag too. The TTC lost and found guy was laughing too hard to be of any help when I called, so it’s hard to say for sure.

But shit, I was blitzed. For all I know, a coven of warlocks broke into my living room and cast spell-of-iPod-disappear sometime before I sobered up Monday afternoon. In any case, the good news is a shiny new 30 GB Video iPod is on its way from sunny Palo Alto. Hope this one sticks around for awhile.


Karate Skid

Watch this hillarious series of clips of wannabe martial arts starts showing their stuff at some kind of audition. They all get completely p’0wned, but the first dude is the best. The inanimate plastic dummy lays a total smackdown on his ass.

Second place goes to nunchuk man who gets beat up by the floor.
Best quote: “I never lose.” Ironically, the winner who says it loses to his apparatus. Anyhow, have a look and stop complaining that I haven’t updated since Monday.