After all, who knows more about getting lucky than the Irish?


Just in time for the holidays, our pervy friends at Nerve have collected some excellent advice for getting laid on St. Patrick’s Day. However, it’s unlikely much of it will come in handy when you get as sham-rocked as we do most years on March 17.

For me, St. Patrick’s Day is like Christmas, only with more public urination. Of course this year, since it’s on a Saturday, it’ll be like any other weekend day. Kind of a let down — when it falls on a weekday, it’s like a get-out-of-jail free card for coming to work hungover looking like a bolshie knacker.

Some tips for enjoying the day from and a real live Irish person:

+ Don’t pretend you’re Irish. This is a bad habit people fall into early on in life at frat parties and pub crawls. A green plastic derby from Shoppers Drug Mart is not a passport to Ireland.

+ DO refer to any loud obnoxious group of wannabe Paddys as a “nefarious rabble of gurriers”.

+ Don’t say “Slainte”. You can’t pronounce it and will piss off any real Irish people in the pub.

+ Green beer is sacriligious. I’m not a holy man, but there’s somethings you just don’t do.

+ Resist the urge to dance. After a few pints, you might think you’re the Lord of the Dance when you hear the Celtic music, but you’re not. Besides, even sober people who know how to step dance properly look retarded.

+ Don’t fight. It’s hard to enyoy booze with a broken jaw or in the drunk tank.

+ It’s not called St Patty’s. Only “Paddy’s Day” or St Patrick’s Day” are acceptable.

+ If your name actually is Seamus, call yourself “Steve” for the day. Who knows, you might like it.

+ Don’t come to my bar. We don’t like you, your music sucks and you dress funny.


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