Archive for May, 2007

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To celebrate the 40th anniversary of the original Star Wars release, G4’s Olivia Munn made every sci-fi geek’s dream come true by wearing Princess Leia’s famous gold bikini and heading off to party with them.

As Obi Wan might say:
I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of losers suddenly cried out in joy and were suddenly silenced when their heads exploded. I fear something awesome has happened.

Right now it’s taking all of my Jedi powers to keep my light saber at bay.

+ More pics

Video clip:

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One of my favourite stories of 2006 wrapped up with the best ending ever this week. NASA has dismissed astronaut William Oefelein, the guy who was involved in the love-triangle that ended with the arrest of fellow space cadet Lisa “poopie pants” Nowak after she loaded up the car with weapons, porn and diapers and headed out to kidnap her rival.

Nowak was dismissed months ago, presumably for using NASA-issued diapers to facilitate a crime — bathroom breaks cut into valuable kidnapping time. However, it wasen’t clear what was going to happen to Oefelein. He’s not really fired though — just re-assigned back to the Navy.

The lesson here is, whether they’re driving for two days to assail a co-workers girlfriend or preforming a space walk outside the International Space Station — astronauts shit their pants. Remember this next time you’re watching these fuckers floating around on CNN.

You don’t have to be a rocket scientist to crap yourself, but it sure helps. So much for the right stuff.

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Spent an enjoyable weekend in Ottawa. The place doesn’t rock, but it does tap it’s feet in time and shake it now and then — which is more than Regina can say. The new war museum kicks ass. That’s me in front of a Leopard tank up top. Unfortunately there were signs everywhere saying you couldn’t climb on the armoured vehicles — just another situation where I wish I wasen’t literacied.

Downtown Ottawa has way more patios than Toronto. Most of them are attached to crappy Irish pubs, but the sloots in kilts make it worth it.

Highlights:

+ Patio boozin’
+ Reuben sandwhich
+ Front porch boozin’
+ Bushtukah
+ New National War Museum
+ Spicy hashbrowns at the Diner
+ Marathon weekend meant tons of sloots in Lululemon and TNA

Lowlights:

+ You can’t climb on tanks at the war museum
+ Turns out we didn’t win Korean War
+ AK-47 for “display purposes only” at the war museum
+ Freaks and children at Westboro Starbucks
+ Tullips

Hey Hali. What’s up? Haven’t seen you since Christmas. Remember? I had an awesome donair then enjoyed some 4 a.m. boozing at your casino. Sorry I pissed on that fence on your Spring Garden Rd. If you had better transit I wouldn’t have had to walk.

Anyway. What’s up with you raising the price of beer? Don’t you know it’s one of the only things people like about you? And after I’ve been living in Toronto saying how you’re cool and all.

Shit man, it’s like if I stopped being funny and handsome all of sudden. I sure as hell wouldn’t be surprised if things weren’t so busy on Saturday nights anymore. And don’t blame that retard premier Rodney MacDonald either. Most Nova Scotians live in you so you should be able to stand up to that dick. Sheeeeeit.

When motherfuckers up here in T-dot want something, they throw down. Check it. Need cash for a soccer stadium? BMO, where you at?! Need to fly somewhere? Call up premier Dalton McGuinty. Want money for TTC? We role up to 24 Sussex. That’s where the Prime Minister lives and he gives us millions

Sure you’re the best city in the Maritimes, but that’s kind of like being the cool guy at fat camp. Why can’t you be more like Toronto? There, I said it.

And by the way, stop telling Montreal that we’re best friends. You know I like beer for sale in corner stores way better then your stinky polluted harbour. Why don’t you cool off with some losers like Sydney and Moncton — maybe then you’ll realize what you’re missing.

City must not know about me. Sheeeeeeit.

Toronto FC

Had a good time attending my very first Toronto FC match Saturday — despite the home team’s 2-1 loss. The BMO Field facilities are pretty nice — albeit flimsy. You get a great view of the city and Lake Ontario if you sit on the western bleachers. However, you could probably dismantle the whole joint in a weekend with a power drill if you wanted. Seriously, it feels like it’s made out of the shitty backyard shed your creepy uncle used to lock you in.

I’m guessing whoever built the thing ended up with a big bag of loose parts at the end of the job. Should have called IKEA.

Gameplay was fast and skilled, although players lacked the discipline and patience you see in European leagues. Still, for $25 it’s a nice way to spend the afternoon — as long as you’re ready to tack on the $25+ for adequate beer consumption. I hope next time I go we see this referee calling the game:

Found photo

I was looking through files on an old jump drive and I found this photo from a trip to Scotland 5 years ago. I can’t remember why I took it, but I figured I’d post it anyway.

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Looks like Butts Wynd is a nice place to take a bike ride. Ah, the paths not taken…

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Maybe the guy in the Molson Canadian commercials is right. I’m starting to think that Canadians actually don’t know anything about beer — which would explain why we don’t care that all of our breweries are being bought up by multi-nationals.

The Labatt family of beer — which includes Keith’s, 50 and Kokanee — is owned by InBev, a multi-national that owns dozens of other brands like Stella Artois, Bass and Budweiser. Molson was bought up by Coors a few years ago and Sleeman was recently acquired by Japan’s Sapporo.

Like me, the president of Moosehead Breweries (based in N.B.) is alarmed by this trend. He points out:

 

“Close to 90 per cent of all beer sold in Canada today is controlled by foreign brewers. This is probably the highest percentage in the world.”

Now, Waterloo, Ontario’s Brick brewery is putting itself up for sale and who the hell know who will buy them. Their beer sucks, so I wouldnt’ be surprised if someone in the states bought them.

Unfortunately, this is nothing new. Canadians have been pretty ambivalent when it comes to selling off our national brands. Eatons, The Bay, Fairmont Hotels and CN rail are just a few our non-beer home-grown brands that have been sold off or dismantled over the past decade.

You can argue that it doesn’t matter who owns the beer as longs as it’s 5% alcohol or more and doesn’t contain syringes. But I’ve always taken pride in our beer, so I’m disappointed by how little we control the stuff that appears on our store shelves.

At least Moosehead — my favourite — is still Canadian-owned. And Maritime no less. Woot.

See you in Chicago Amy

Due to a combination of funding (concert tix are getting pricey) and scheduling (mostly work-related) I’ve been going to fewer and fewer rock shows lately — which is why I get pissed when I miss a show I really should’ve found a way to see. Judging by the review on the Torontoist, Amy Winehouse’s sold out gig at the Mod Club, Sunday was one of these shows. Dammit.

Not only do I like to support my fellow functional alcoholics, but I’ve really gotten into her latest album Back to Black. Sure, the intros to most of the tracks make you think you’re about to hear a Supremes or Otis Redding tune, but Winehouse’s lyrics make up for the lack of creativity in the melody. I’m still grateful for the introduction of the word “fuckery” to my vocabulary thanks to “Me and Mr. Jones.”

Fortunately, she’s playing Lollapalooza this year, so I’ll get a chance to check her out there. Woot.

Here’s a kind of decent interview with Winehouse from Exclaim! Would have been nice to have a few more original questions about her being a raging booze hound and a few less of the boiler plate crap that’s been written a million times. Whatevs.

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