An open letter to Halifax

Hey Hali. What’s up? Haven’t seen you since Christmas. Remember? I had an awesome donair then enjoyed some 4 a.m. boozing at your casino. Sorry I pissed on that fence on your Spring Garden Rd. If you had better transit I wouldn’t have had to walk.

Anyway. What’s up with you raising the price of beer? Don’t you know it’s one of the only things people like about you? And after I’ve been living in Toronto saying how you’re cool and all.

Shit man, it’s like if I stopped being funny and handsome all of sudden. I sure as hell wouldn’t be surprised if things weren’t so busy on Saturday nights anymore. And don’t blame that retard premier Rodney MacDonald either. Most Nova Scotians live in you so you should be able to stand up to that dick. Sheeeeeit.

When motherfuckers up here in T-dot want something, they throw down. Check it. Need cash for a soccer stadium? BMO, where you at?! Need to fly somewhere? Call up premier Dalton McGuinty. Want money for TTC? We role up to 24 Sussex. That’s where the Prime Minister lives and he gives us millions

Sure you’re the best city in the Maritimes, but that’s kind of like being the cool guy at fat camp. Why can’t you be more like Toronto? There, I said it.

And by the way, stop telling Montreal that we’re best friends. You know I like beer for sale in corner stores way better then your stinky polluted harbour. Why don’t you cool off with some losers like Sydney and Moncton — maybe then you’ll realize what you’re missing.

City must not know about me. Sheeeeeeit.


  1. cuzoogle

    WEll said

    Halifax why you are at it can you open up a decent place to get a chicken roti.

    Halifax does hope that Andrew visits again soon though.

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