Archive for the ‘Beer’ Category

Hooters Calgary

It’s official, beerandnews has moved to Calgary. It’s been a busy week and already I’ve made some wonderful discoveries, like:

+ Not having to recycle anything saves tons of time.
+ The beef out here is so good you’ll punch yourself in the nuts to make sure you’re not dreaming.
+ The beer sucks. I’m gonna have to stick with imports.
+ You can smoke at Hooters.

Of course, it’s beautiful and clean. And although it’s tough to find a place to live, there aren’t nearly as many douchebags around as there are in Toronto. There are, however, tons of homeless nutbars on the streets and you do get the feeling that at any moment one of them may take swing at you. That combined with a feeling that frontier justice has more influence than the Canadian Criminal Code out here gives a guy the sense there’s some Wyatt Earp motherfucker who’ll take care of things.

Despite the crap beer, I think I’m going to like it out here. At least I found a good pub.

Final Countdown…

I have the worst timing. I gave away my tv, ps2 and vcr all in one night due to my upcoming departure to Calgary. At least I still have a functioning liver, two kidneys and a wallet full of fives for pints of Carlsberg. Good thing my neighbor hasn’t clued in on how to block off his free wireless internet. Otherwise, I never would have found this gem.

Little People, Big DUI

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OK, if this dude is getting pulled over for driving under the influence, the four horseman of the apocalypse can’t be too far behind because the world is officially screwed. Seems when he’s not dishing out life lessons on his “hit” TLC show, Matt Roloff likes to play Mad Max in Oregon. I guess this means he may also be appearing in a show on Court TV, and if we’re lucky, maybe one like Oz (no, not the one that starts off in Kansas, but good catch).

I don’t want to hate on little people or anything, but if there’s anyone out there who should be careful about their booze consumptions it’s them — and maybe toddlers. The only benefit I can see is that Yank beer would actually have the affect of a real beer.

I’m never driving in the states again. You never know who’s driving drunk down there.

lindsay lohan mug shot

I know, I’ve been spending way too much time blogging about celebrities lately — in particularly Lindsay Lohan — but she just got busted on a second DUI charge and I can’t help myself.

I wonder what her alcohol monitoring device is thinking…

Beware the booze band

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In an attempt to keep her clean-and-sober illusion going, Lindsay Lohan’s been spotted around L.A. sporting an alcohol-monitoring ankle bracelet that’s supposedly reports whether she’s been boozing. I guess it’s all part of her out-patient rehab front. But the truth is, not even master magician David Copperfield could make girlfriend’s habit go away — and that dude disapeared the Statue of Liberty.

I shouldn’t talk. If they tried to put an alcohol monitoring device like that on me it would explode after two minutes. Of course I don’t take my Mercedes on urban off-road adventures, so I’ve got nothing to worry about.

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+ More pics

Charlottetown, PEI is in a tizzy over all the bad language heard at the rock show they recently put on for Canada Day . I can hear it now:

“Aw shit, why’d they hire fuckin’ Nickelback. I’d rather have Satan fart in my ear for an hour.”

“Who the fuck is Default?!”

“Let’s shove Finger Eleven up Fuckcherry’s ass!”

“Who the fuck let Staind into the country”

Honestly, I don’t know what the city council was expecting. These bands are basically made up of the same get-stoned-behind-the-mall trash that the local cops chase around their town on a daily basis. Just because somebody gave them guitars and record contracts doesn’t change the fact that they’re dirtbags. Besides, it’s rock ‘n roll in the 21st century — they should be happy no one got peed on.

I’m not surprised by their reaction, though. Sometimes I think PEI is the Utah of Canada. It’s isolated, people there are kind of weird, and while you can drink beer, aluminum cans are outlawed on the Island — so forget about tall boys.

Forget about asking for a free show, here’s how you deal with Nickelback:

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Spent an enjoyable weekend in Ottawa. The place doesn’t rock, but it does tap it’s feet in time and shake it now and then — which is more than Regina can say. The new war museum kicks ass. That’s me in front of a Leopard tank up top. Unfortunately there were signs everywhere saying you couldn’t climb on the armoured vehicles — just another situation where I wish I wasen’t literacied.

Downtown Ottawa has way more patios than Toronto. Most of them are attached to crappy Irish pubs, but the sloots in kilts make it worth it.

Highlights:

+ Patio boozin’
+ Reuben sandwhich
+ Front porch boozin’
+ Bushtukah
+ New National War Museum
+ Spicy hashbrowns at the Diner
+ Marathon weekend meant tons of sloots in Lululemon and TNA

Lowlights:

+ You can’t climb on tanks at the war museum
+ Turns out we didn’t win Korean War
+ AK-47 for “display purposes only” at the war museum
+ Freaks and children at Westboro Starbucks
+ Tullips

Hey Hali. What’s up? Haven’t seen you since Christmas. Remember? I had an awesome donair then enjoyed some 4 a.m. boozing at your casino. Sorry I pissed on that fence on your Spring Garden Rd. If you had better transit I wouldn’t have had to walk.

Anyway. What’s up with you raising the price of beer? Don’t you know it’s one of the only things people like about you? And after I’ve been living in Toronto saying how you’re cool and all.

Shit man, it’s like if I stopped being funny and handsome all of sudden. I sure as hell wouldn’t be surprised if things weren’t so busy on Saturday nights anymore. And don’t blame that retard premier Rodney MacDonald either. Most Nova Scotians live in you so you should be able to stand up to that dick. Sheeeeeit.

When motherfuckers up here in T-dot want something, they throw down. Check it. Need cash for a soccer stadium? BMO, where you at?! Need to fly somewhere? Call up premier Dalton McGuinty. Want money for TTC? We role up to 24 Sussex. That’s where the Prime Minister lives and he gives us millions

Sure you’re the best city in the Maritimes, but that’s kind of like being the cool guy at fat camp. Why can’t you be more like Toronto? There, I said it.

And by the way, stop telling Montreal that we’re best friends. You know I like beer for sale in corner stores way better then your stinky polluted harbour. Why don’t you cool off with some losers like Sydney and Moncton — maybe then you’ll realize what you’re missing.

City must not know about me. Sheeeeeeit.

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Maybe the guy in the Molson Canadian commercials is right. I’m starting to think that Canadians actually don’t know anything about beer — which would explain why we don’t care that all of our breweries are being bought up by multi-nationals.

The Labatt family of beer — which includes Keith’s, 50 and Kokanee — is owned by InBev, a multi-national that owns dozens of other brands like Stella Artois, Bass and Budweiser. Molson was bought up by Coors a few years ago and Sleeman was recently acquired by Japan’s Sapporo.

Like me, the president of Moosehead Breweries (based in N.B.) is alarmed by this trend. He points out:

 

“Close to 90 per cent of all beer sold in Canada today is controlled by foreign brewers. This is probably the highest percentage in the world.”

Now, Waterloo, Ontario’s Brick brewery is putting itself up for sale and who the hell know who will buy them. Their beer sucks, so I wouldnt’ be surprised if someone in the states bought them.

Unfortunately, this is nothing new. Canadians have been pretty ambivalent when it comes to selling off our national brands. Eatons, The Bay, Fairmont Hotels and CN rail are just a few our non-beer home-grown brands that have been sold off or dismantled over the past decade.

You can argue that it doesn’t matter who owns the beer as longs as it’s 5% alcohol or more and doesn’t contain syringes. But I’ve always taken pride in our beer, so I’m disappointed by how little we control the stuff that appears on our store shelves.

At least Moosehead — my favourite — is still Canadian-owned. And Maritime no less. Woot.

Every year about this time I start thinking that I should head to Munich for Oktoberfest in September and finally enjoy an authentic bender, or “bieger”, as they say in ze fatherland. Of course, in a few days I will realize that such a trip will eat up my entire Q4 booze budget and I’ll settle for drinking in a pile of dead leaves come fall — like I usually do.

Until then, I’m going to go about planning the trip until the 4-figure cost reality sets in. Today I google mapped a route from Canada to Munich and dicovered that Google Maps applies a sarcastic brand of logic for any requests for trans-Atlantic directions. Apparently, I’m supposed to travel to a specific wharf in Boston and swim.

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Boy, I’ll betcha if you googled “clever” you’d probably get Google as the No. 1 search return.

Nerds…