Archive for the ‘Movies’ Category

russel crowe

I know I’m in the minority here, but I think 3:10 to Yuma sucked shit. It was basically a rip-off of Lord of the Rings only with a doughy Aussie instead of a stumpy Brit. A band of brave westerners embark on a quest to deliver outlaw-renaissance man Russell Crowe to justice in Yuma. Chased by a pack of evil-doers, our heroes find a shortcut through a mountain that leads to climactic a ending where one of the guys that everyone likes gets offed. Sheeesh.

This plot should have stayed on whatever public bathroom stall door it was written on and Clint Eastwood should kick the ass of anyone who compares this steamer to the Unforgiven.

I want my $10.50 back.

The Color of Nazi

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Here’s a promo shot of Tom Cruise in costume for his new movie, Rubicon — a film about the failed Nazi conspirators who tried to assassinate Hitler during WWII.

Funny story. Earlier on, the German government refused the production’s requests to film on location at specific WWII sites because Cruise is a flamboyant Scientologist. Scientology is considered to be more pyramid scheme than religion over there and they didn’t want homeboy shaking down locals to get rid of their alien bits. Officials have since mellowed and now say they were simply trying to preserve the historic dignity of the sites.

Um, how do you say horseshit in German? Oh yeah, “de Hasselhoff.”

Kickass behind the scenes pics and videos from Indiana Jones 4.

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Crap. All this time I thought I would have to become handsome and fit and rich to woo Jenna Fischer. Or at least touch her cans. Turns out you just have to be a fellow comedic actor like Will Ferrell.

I’ve got mad humor skills and acting is a breeze. Hell, here at the office I play satisfied, enthusiastic employee No. 4 every day. Now if only I could afford airfare to L.A.

Saw 300 last night and I have to say, I thought it was the most disturbing and depraved thing I’ve ever seen. I want the 1300 cents back I wasted on that piece of crap. The violence was over the top — and did we really need to see so many bare bosoms?

And I’m never going to Greece — leather speedos and red capes?! As if.

I think people are better off with the PG-13 version:

Just kidding. 300 was totally dope. But it could have used more tits. Woot.

Here’s Keira Knightley

Keira Knightley.
More pics

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I’d look sad too if I was in a sequel to the last Pirates of the Caribbean stinker these two put out.

+ Click for Pirates of the Caribbean: At World’s End trailer

+ Yahoo exclusive clip

tARA REID

I’m not all that into celebrity gossip, but I saw this pic of Tara Reid looking like a “special” kid riding some kind of af aquatic shortbus and I had to grab it. Some rich Australian dude flew her in to promote something called the Magic Millions carnival. Apparently Aussies are easily impressed if all it takes is a G-list celeb to get them to shell out for some crap fair.

Not to worry — by the looks of it she was paid in dolphin rides. Unfortunately the dolphins had to go through a battery of tests for STDs and Alcohol Poisoning after she was finished.

More pics of Tara and the dolphins.

You probably wouldn’t peg me as a country music fan, but I have to admit there are acts that I like. Kris Kristofferson and Willie Nelson have blackbelts in drunken bar ballads about the one-that-got-away while Lucinda Williams and Neko Case make you feel sorry for every girl you ever done wrong. These are just a few of the performers appearing at Stagecoach, the country music festival happening in Califorania a week after the Coachella Art + Music festival.

I went to Coachella last year and will probably go again this year. It’s gotta be one of the best places on earth to get shitfaced and watch your favourite bands perform — although it’s hard to stay drunk in the desert. But Stagecoach is shaping up to be pretty good, so if this year’s Coachella lineup sucks, I may have to re-schedule. I guess we’ll have to wait and see.

Here are some highlights from last year:

Coachella, Ted Leo, Mates of State, Octopus Project
(Pictured: Octopus Project, Mates of State, Ted Leo and the Pharmacists, me hydrating)
Please excuse the crappiness of the pics. My camera sucked last year and we were drunk.

I can’t remember the last time I turned a movie off before it ended, but I just cut Brian De Palma’s latest piece of cinematic excrement short. A shrieking mother came out of a bedroom and started to reveal the mystery a-la-Scoobie Doo and I said fuckit. I haven’t seen such an incoherant, senseless plot since Pauly Shore joined the Army.

I don’t know why I rented it. Seems everyone who’s seen it has called it a stinker. Faith in De Palm I guess. But jeez, I want my afternoon back. Or at least my $4.50.

Maybe the film would have been better in Russian. At least this crap would have been spoken with a humorous language.

Black Dahlia